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14 April 2010 @ 07:05 pm
[private entry]  
I think Dwight might want to get back together with me.

I don't really know what to do. I mean, I love Dwight. I'm in love with Dwight. But...

I don't know. There was a time when I was happy being with him. But we were so secretive. And I admit I liked the secrecy, but the problem was that it never was as serious as I wanted it to be. I'm not one for public displays of affection, but maybe we could have at least acknowledged the fact that we were dating. (Were we dating? I can count the number of "dates" on one hand.)

When he killed Sprinkles it was then that I knew that he just didn't care as much as I thought he did. He said that he was only doing what he knew, but seriously, he should have known how important she was to me! She was not a cow or a goat, she was a housecat, and she should have been treated more kindly. Yes she was sick, but she was being taken care of by the finest veterinarians in Eastern Pennsylvania. She was doing fine. And Dwight killed her.

Andy taught me a few things. He taught me that I did want a family and kids and a serious relationship. I did care about Andy, but I wasn't in love with him. And having never been in a serious relationship before, I just didn't know how to end it. I feel horrible for it, but how can I tell him that? Every time I see Andy my heart hurts. Not because I love him (because I don't), but because I care about him and I know I've hurt him deeply.

I should have never let myself get back together with Dwight when I was dating Andy. But what could I do? For whatever reason I am drawn to him. I don't know if I necessarily believe in the whole "soulmates" thing, but maybe that's what he is. No matter how hard I pushed him away, I found myself drifting back to him. And now he might want to get back together.

I just can't do this to myself again. I can't keep falling back into this same routine of just sleeping with Dwight.

I don't know what to do.